Whether it’s your first or your fifth, from the minute you announce your pregnancy, it begins. It never ceases to amaze me just how many people out there seem to have a better approach to raising my kids than I do. Many the time I have grinned through gritted teeth at the prospect of yet another gently delivered piece of parenting advice; smiling and nodding in interest all the while visualising how I will restrain myself from grevious bodily harm toward them.

Seeing as I am bang smack in the middle of pregnant motherhood, I have decided to nominate my top 5 pieces of advice. These are the ones that really make me twitch! So if you know me personally, this is your free guide on how not to piss me off and feel the full extent of my wrath. (DISCLAIMER – this list is not exhaustive and given that I am in late pregnancy, general caution is advised on all topics. 😁)

1. Sleep when baby sleeps
Now this advice is usually given to the first time mothers – it would take a brave person to tell this to a frazzled mother of a newborn who may also have a bunch of two legged terrors running around! But even so, it’s one that never made sense to me. Firstly, not all newborns sleep that well. And when they do? Its the only time you get to pee, poop, shower, eat etc before it all starts again. 

2. You will give that child terrible bad habits.
This tends to be a favourite of the ahem, older generation. Allow me to clarify something for you Betsy. “That child” is my darling baby who, contrary to what your batty mind is thinking, is unable to communicate and therefore, yep, you guessed it – cries. He is unable to manipulate, he is unable to be a ‘cute rogue’. Heck, much like you in a few years, he can’t control his bladder! So when he cries, I will pick him up and cuddle the bejaysus out of him, rock him, let him sleep in my arms and do whatever he needs to make him feel safe. But thanks for the advice.

3. Eat healthy now, plenty of fruit and veg.
Ah yes, the pregnancy advice. Ok, I know that this is actually sound advice to be fair. The clue being in the fact that it’s what the midwife will tell you. But last time I checked, not many people will be in favour of a garden salad when they have spent the morning talking to god on the big white phone. And you know what? We spend our lives on diets – I choose to indulge a bit for 9 whole months of my life. So shove your chia seeds where the sun don’t shine and pass me the cookie dough!

4. Try to get an early night, every night when pregnant
Once apon a time, in a land far, far (so fucking far) away, there lived a pregnant princess in a state of the art, detached castle. (With underfloor heating.)She spent her days gleefully documenting her pregnancy in her journal and eating grapes while the nanny took care of her 4 other perfectly behaved children and any housework. Her husband, the Prince, worked hard in his 3 figured salary, permanent job, was home for 5pm everyday and never worked weekends. The End.
By the time everyone is fed, the washing is done, the toys are picked up, the kids are sufficiently screamed at, my husband is argued with and the kids are in bed , it’s usually about 11pm and I haul my pregnant ass to bed, on a good night. Now don’t get me started on the poor souls of mothers that do all of this after coming home from working full time outside of the home all day!

5. You really need to start taking it easy, you’re pregnant

Well, aren’t you the observant one?

This is my favourite little gem, I get it a lot. Yes, I should really try to put my feet up more when I am at home. No, I shouldn’t really be pushing that big heavy Tesco trolley with the dodgy wheel. Yes, you are right, I am not superwoman. (I prefer Wonder Woman).

But hey, here’s a wild idea. Why don’t you come on over and help me clean the house? Cook some dinners? I’ll even give you a chance of my shopping trolley! Oooh let’s go completely mad – you take the kids for a few hours and I might get some rest!
Oh, you’re mental busy this week….ah ok.
Aaaand cue the grevious bodily harm thoughts…..

So here is some advice for the advisers.
If you want to help a busy parent (pregnant or no) I recommened less talk and more action! Go ahead and give that well meaning advice, but help them by giving them the time to follow it. Take the kids off their hands, run an errand, bring some food over – be there!

And remember, sometimes a mother or father knows what’s best for their child. Well actually thats almost all of the time – seeing as they’ve been wiping their arses for the last few years. (The kids, not each others).

Just pause and think of this humour filled albeit educational blog post the next time you advise a pregnant woman to start taking it easy. And take note of her teeth. Much like a very angry Rottweiler, that might not be a smile. Especially if she starts drooling or growling.
If you don’t have some chocolate to offer her, stop talking.
And back away slowly…..slowly……..

……and run!!!!! 😊

Trish xx